Kazuki x Jubei
by deadelephant
Summary: Episodes of lovely Kazuki Jubei nonsense : for the romantics, comedians, satirists of the GB world
1. Some love

**I**

Kazuki had not a doubt that Jubei loved him. Yet since Jubei could fathom no greater pleasure in life than in repeating his avowals of faithfulness to his master, he, Kazuki, decided to take their relationship into his own hands. The conservative Koto player would have had reservations against such forthrightness, having been taught to behave as a demure, graceful, elegant girl since boyhood. He comforted himself nonetheless with the feminism he acquired from foxy Heaven, and excused himself for this breach of decorum, all the time forgetting that he was in fact not quite a girl and had no need for excuses of any sort.

While thus engaged in his thoughts he did not see his loyal lover appear round the bend. "Kazuki," Jubei called out, smiling sweetly and innocently as a dog. "What are you thinking about?" he added, tongue wagging – well at least so it seemed to Kazuki.

Despite his propensity to shred humans up, Kazuki never really had a masochistic streak in him. Hence he was forced to leave Jubei's question unanswered, lest the latter start twitching in mental agony over his failure to fathom the obscure depths of feminist epistemology and resort to physical expression of his inner pain, which, unhappily, often took the form of self-flagellation.

So instead, Kazuki smiled sweetly back, and, since feminist ideology decried demure feminine dithering, immediately launched, "Kiss me now or I'll rape you!" A moment's reflection cautioned him against such a demonstration of manly aggression however, and he hastily softened his threat with another sweet innocent smile.

Kazuki patiently waited for his words to travel the nerve cells connecting Jubei's ears to his brain.

… …

"Kazuki I'll give up my life to protect you!!" howled Jubei with furious ebullience.

Kazuki, ever appreciative of his beloved's uniqueness, decided to focus less on how that might be considered a response to his demand, and more on his unrestrained sincerity. "Thank you Jubei," he replied encouragingly, whereupon his most beloved could not help but grin, full-toothed and bright-eyed, thoroughly pleased with himself.

Growing up with Jubei since boyhood led Kazuki to develop superhuman patience. So he tried again, "Jubei, I request that you kiss me now."

… …

"But Kazuki," he ventured, and failed to go any further. Kazuki waited patiently…indefatigably…and waited…until a little puppy frolicked by and glanced up at him with the exact same expression of earnest contemplation that featured on Jubei's countenance.

Ever appreciative, Kazuki made himself think, "How adorable!"

But a serious task was at hand.

"Jubei!" he intoned commandingly (and how…obedient that Jubei should lean forward to stare with rapt at attention at the words presently forming round the corners of Kazuki's lips). "Jubei!" he repeated, just in case. And, taking care to enunciate his words as carefully and slowly as possible, he went on – "Kiiisssssss mmeeee!" – and ended off with his lips pursed in front of Jubei – just in case.

"Kazuki…" he valiantly restarted, voice trembling, nervous. Registering the emotion sizzling through Jubei's body, Kazuki heaved a silent sigh of relief – finally!, my precious one begins to experience something vaguely sexual.

… …

"Kazuki…I don't understand." He ended, flatly. He tried to think of something intelligent enough to say to Kazuki but, ultimately failing, settled instead with a passionate renewal of his faithfulness, "But I will protect you with my life!" so he added.

Kazuki, ever patient, finally lost patience with patience. "JUUUUUUBBBBEEEEIIIII!!!!!" he yelled, shaking his dearest one rather forcefully by the shoulders.

Rather perplexed by his master's oddities, Jubei decided to roar once more, with an augmented passion – "I will protect you!!!" – at which Kazuki was shocked back to his feminine senses and recoiled his grasping hands, leaving both of them face to face in the wake of incoherence. Jubei, feeling a little uncomfortable, decided to seal his avowal with an emphatic grunt. This having done, he was sufficiently pleased with himself. Hence he proudly crossed his arms and grinned, full-toothed, bright-eyed, waiting for Kazuki to pat him on the head.

So he waited…and waited…and finally he was struck with the revelatory notion that his master was not too happy with his performance.

"Kazuki, you don't look very happy," he said, and then added – "Why?" – which would have demonstrated great intrepidity had he actually realized how perilously close he was to being torn into shreds.

But a flash of inspiration suddenly hit Kazuki and his anger subsided as his plan began unfolding in his head: "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" – not that he was masochistic of course. But yes! He found his plan – he would wham the woodblock with the dumbbell.

"Jubei I hate you!"

Kazuki very nearly abandoned his plan upon seeing the lost, hurt and very confused look on his beloved's face. He decided however, that the hurt pained look was rather becoming on Jubei, and hence pressed on.

"Jubei you have failed to protect me!"

"No Kazuki, I'll protect you!"

"No you will fail me!"

"I'll protect you with my life!"

"I hate you!"

"Kazuki! NOO!!!!"

"My puppy died!!"

"I'll protect you and your puppy!"

"The sky is brown!!"

"Kazuki!! With my life!!"

"Bambi died!!!!!"

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

… …Kazuki underestimated the stamina of vacuous minds in his plan. After hurling accusations of how he had porridge for breakfast that morning, how he had only two arms, and how chickens can't fly, he was left rather creatively drained. The intense Socratic interrogation was taking its toll on Jubei too, who, realizing that "I'll protect you!" would no longer appease the imperial caprices of his master, ended up expressing his ardent emotions in a series of grunts, roars and bellows.

Kazuki rather enjoyed watching his lover release his amorous passions, but nevertheless decided to relieve him of his well-deserved punishment, being, of course, not too much disposed toward sadomasochism. (But oh! Just one more – "Mary lost her little lamb!!" – Aaarrgghgrrrrrwwaaaarrrrwwrggh). Therefore he (oh just another one more!), so he carefully and slowly enunciated to his beloved, presently convulsing with the cramps of passionate love, "Just kidding! I love you!"

… …

… …

Then an exquisite heavenly joy suffused his features. Tears welled up in his eyes and he leapt into Kazuki's arms roaring away the newest additions to his vocabulary – "I looooaaave you!!"

And so, holding his precious beloved in his arms, having got his way after all, Kazuki stood pondering over the mysteries of feminist ideology.


	2. Jubei's hospitalised

**II**

"I'm a big bad bitch!" cried Kazuki. In front of him Ban widened his eyes at his indulgent alliteration; Ginji, a little less educated and a little more concerned, shot up instinctively to assure Kazuki of the contrary. But Kazuki was guilt-ridden and would not be appeased – "No Ginji. I.'m a big bad blustering Bacchic boobless bitch!!" he cried, his angry eyes now within a threatening inch away from Ginji's own stunned ones. In an impulse of terror the blonde boy yelled, "Ban-chan!" and promptly retreated behind the cool unstirring figure behind.

Having run out of B-words (he would not use anything as uncouth as "bloody"), Kazuki, immensely frustrated, let out a feline growl and rushed out of the hospital ward.

The source of this feminine outrage could be traced back to the unhappy incident a chapter before. Apparently, Kazuki's little experiment on Jubei turned out to be a little too overwhelming, and the devoted samurai was now, as a result of emotional and intellectual trauma, tied down to a stretcher yelling "I will protect you!", "Bambi did not die!", "The sky is blue!" and other such impenetrable revelations to two doctors – one more amused than the other was bemused – who presently nodded to each other, and decided that a brain scan was necessary.

After several futile attempts to gain assent from the raging Jubei, the doctors decided to approach his lover instead. Kazuki was summoned, tailed by a frightfully concerned Ginji and an incredulous Ban.

The amused doctor, lacking discretion, launched, " 'Es mad like a maad mohnkey!"

"What!!??" Kazuki yelled in response, heaving indignantly with such emphatic deliberateness as to rival Heav'n.

This only amused the doctor further, who, lacking discretion, beamed in the most nauseating and insolent manner. He seemed about to say something as nasty as the grin on his sallow face, but Ginji, who was more familiar with Kazuki's propensity towards shredding humans, quickly jumped in to intervene. This was yet more amusing to the doctor, who was now laughing derisively – "What now? Is he going to slap me and scream 'jerk'?" – and, since Kazuki was now holding up his Koto bells menacingly at him – "Oooh! Brassy jingling balls! I'm sooo scared!!"

Apparently Kazuki had not intended to slap or scream, or if he had he must have changed his mind, for the laughing doctor now found himself plastered on the ceiling – or against the window pane rather, depending on whether his upper or lower torso more sufficiently constitutes the original him.

"You killed him!" screamed a passing nurse and made to slap Kazuki. Fortunately, Ginji was more successful this time in checking the imprudence of ignorant and offensive innocents.

In any case, Kazuki was more occupied with glaring at the remaining doctor into submission to care – "I have not killed him now have I?" he demanded with a most characteristically feminine unreasonableness. The doctor concurred, voice quaking – the man had not died; he was merely on the ceiling and the window _simultaneously_. Convinced that his answer was satisfactory, he ventured to suggest, "Er…after thorough medical examination we – I mean my colleague – has concluded that the patient (referring to Jubei) is…well…just a little bit troubled – as my colleague would most certainly have informed you himself if he…er…if he had not been incapacitated from doing so by an unfortunate…er…" Here his euphemistic attempts began to falter – being a doctor and not a linguist, he concluded – "an unfortunate involuntary attempt at binary fission?" – which was of course more confusing than convincing.

Behind Kazuki, Ban, who rather agreed with the ill-fated doctor's initial take on the matter, was about to offer a little bit of perspective. Thankfully the peace-loving Ginji managed prevent unwanted discord by wrestling him onto the ground and muting his furious protests with efficient bludgeoning swipes at his head each time he attempted to assert his right to speak.

Evidently, Kazuki was unaware of this due to his overwhelming sense of guilt – "It's all my fault…I…I…but the grief settled onto his throat and Kazuki could go no further. His eyes soured – large and pained.

"Kazu-chan!" cried Ginji as he released the furiously struggling Ban to comfort his string-wielding friend. Ban, finding this hospital visit much less amusing now that he had been thus ignominiously pinned to the ground by his weaker partner (he had won the duel outside infinite castle after all!), stopped Ginji's efforts with a firm punch.

"But Ban-chan! Kazu-chan is sad!" Ginji protested quixotically – as if this would actually make a difference to him, Mido Ban, the genius of battle, the sole inheritor of the evil eye, the descendent of the last witch, etc…But as Ban looked up to face Kazuki's mute sadness he was startled to find himself captured by the pink ivory of his cheeks, the lowered chin, tapered and trembling, around which his dark sharp fringe sighed, stirred by a soft wind into comforting the curve of his jaw – such a picture of lachrymose beauty! Ban felt his heart lunge involuntarily toward the dude in distress, and the agonizing pains arising from his nymphomania (it was a valid medical illness!) were granted relief as he wrapped an arm around Kazuki's shoulder. This close to him Ban could not help but be enthralled by the melancholy fluttering of eyelashes – like the wings of a burgundy butterfly on the throes of death…and the eyes – scintillating, barely perceptible under eyelids heavy with sorrow – doe-like, feminine, just like the eyes of…

"BAMBI!!!!!!!" Jubei shouted – more inexplicably than suddenly – sending a flurry of needles which pinned Ban onto the wall opposite. Jubei, as it seemed, was capable of protecting his master even in his present state of mindlessness.

"Jubei!" Kazuki cried and sought to calm the seething samurai who was now struggling with the leather straps that held him fast onto the stretcher.

"You see, Mr. Fuuchoin," said the doctor, citing the present scene as evidence, "we do need to carry out a brain scan…you know…just to check that everything is alright…well…here." He lifted his hand in a vague gesture that ended off with a discreet indication to the head.

"My Jubei is perfectly alright!" Kazuki replied indignantly. "He is merely overwhelmed with love, and is hence slightly confused." And he crossed his arms as if to say "so there!" to put an end to the debate.

For once, however, Jubei would not cooperate and pretend to be just "slightly confused". He had taken to howling and bouncing with the stretcher still fastened behind him. Kazuki had no choice therefore but to capitulate and hence agreed to send Jubei for a brain scan. "Don't worry deary. I'm sure all will be well."

"No!" Jubei responded inchoately.

"Yep don't worry muscle boy. Kazuki's safe with me!" Ban of course ended up agitating the thrashing and writhing Jubei further, who could only witness in impotent fury Ban performing a snake-bite of a very different nature at Kazuki's neck with his slithering serpentine arm.

"Kazuki!!!!"

But he was promptly carted away by several nurses.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kazuki had no idea what he could do to ease his lover's pains, and so he turned to the comforting friend who was now smiling most awkwardly at him with excessive attention. The reason for such solicitude was unfathomable! Kazuki was made to conclude that he had misjudged the habitually crotchety Ban – he seemed to be capable of the noble sentiments of friendship and kindness after all!

"Ban!" Kazuki puled helplessly, sending a shiver down his attentive friend's loins and causing him to salivate involuntarily. Kazuki was much comforted to see his friend trembling with so much affection for him, and with tears streaming down to his mouth too! Such affection was surely undeserved! – Kazuki made a silent resolve to reciprocate his kindness from then on.

Ginji, who was much less astute than Kazuki, evidently was as blissfully unaware of the sordid thoughts that were running through Ban's sordid mind at that moment. "Ban-chan! I always knew you had a good heart very deep down!" he remarked, in complete approbation of this sudden sympathetic tropism in his partner.

But, as our dear readers are aware, the devious Mido Ban did not have a very good heart at all. Oh no! – his heart was bad – bad as dung. Only Jubei, Kazuki's loyal protector, was aware of his devious intentions. He, Kakei Jubei, who was continually snuffed at for being unintelligent, was now the only one who knew what Ginji and even his beloved master did not know – he was the _only_ one who could save his master! (lover's instinct?) He was, unfortunately, currently tied down to a stretcher and placed under a brain-scanning machine. "Kazuki!!!"

"I do hope the brain scan's not hurting him," Kazuki murmured. "It sounds rather painful."

"Har? Oh. Yar." Ban's reply was unsurprisingly incoherent (he had not heard a word at all). But he did take the opportunity to inch his lips a little closer to Kazuki's face.

Fortunately, or unfortunately (Ban swore rather audibly), the doctor emerged presently from the room. "So how was it?" Kazuki immediately cried, detaching himself from the lascivious clasps around his shoulders.

"We have good news!" announced the doctor. Characteristically, Ginji hoorayed, Kazuki squealed, and Ban snorted.

"Initially we had difficulty locating his brain and were rather worried that he could not be diagnosed. Then with a spark of genius we realized that _that_ was precisely the problem!" he enthused.

"What?" Kazuki demanded;

"Huh??" Ginji queried;

Ban snorted.

"Exactly!" responded the doctor excitedly. "You see – his brain was too small! But don't worry we have injected him with a growth hormone to stimulate brain cell growth and he should be coming to right about now."

"Oh my fair Kazuki!

It gives me wonder great as my content  
To see you here before me. O my soul's joy!  
If after every tempest come such calms,  
May the winds blow till they have waken'd death!  
And let the labouring bark climb hills of seas  
Olympus-high and duck again as low  
As hell's from heaven! If it were now to die,  
'Twere now to be most happy; for, I fear,  
My soul hath her content so absolute  
That not another comfort like to this  
Succeeds in unknown fate."

All three of them turned to face the source of these Shakespearean plagiarisms. Ginji blinked uncomprehendingly; Ban widened his eyes in contemptuous astonishment; Kazuki merely stared.

Jubei moved to embrace his limp livid lover.

"You are too full of the milk of human kindness," Jubei rhapsodized.

"And think men honest that but seem to be so.

But others there are, (he shot a glare at Ban)

Who, trimm'd in forms and visages of friendship,  
Keep yet their libido attending on themselves.

(He took a step menacingly forth)

Never soil that whiter skin of his than snow,  
And smooth as monumental alabaster."

"Goats and monkeys!" he concluded with finesse, sending a swarm of needles after the justly freaked Ban.

Kazuki was still in shock. All this while he had been wishing for Jubei to grow some brains. He ought to be happy – yet all this "fair Kazuki and "monumental alabaster" stuff somehow did not quite suit him…With a sudden flash of insight Kazuki realized that despite all the frustration he had ever felt over Jubei's intellectual paucity, he had always cherished him for who he was – a dumb stupid idiot. Yes! that was it! – that was his charm – that patently retarded devotion he had for Kazuki which defied all reason, logic, sense or sensibility. It was _unthinking_ love! Love which he had always assumed to exist only in story books! Such love did indeed exist in reality after all! (Or perhaps not, considering that this _is_ fiction – but of course, Kazuki wouldn't know.)

The new Jubei, being very intelligent, sensed that his lover was not all satisfied – "Wherefore thy sorrow? Art thou not content?"

Kazuki swallowed, and was forced to prevaricate, "…I cannot heave my heart into my mouth." Unhappily, this Jubei was too intelligent to be fooled.

"Thy equivocating tongue fools me not.

Thou art discontented and must needs comfort.

O, that that Ban had forty thousand lives!  
One is too poor, too weak for my revenge.

I'll return to thee anon fair Kaz'ki for

First that villain must be beat: ay, that's the way  
Dull not device by coldness and delay."

And he hurried after the fleeing Ban quickly as possible to make up for the time wasted on iambic pentameters.

There were, therefore, three persons left – Ginji, Kazuki and the doctor. "I prefer my Jubei stupid!" And Kazuki's whine was quickly seconded by Ginji.

"Oh you do not have to worry at all," said the doctor. The effect, apparently, was merely temporary and Jubei would revert to his normal state of insensibility after a few hours, a prospect which was highly welcome to the fleeing Ban, the confused Ginji, and of course, the love-lorn Kazuki, with skin as smooth as monumental alabaster, and who loved Jubei for the dumb thing that he was.

Note: Anything that sounds poetic here is adapted from Shakespeare to suit the context! Mainly Othello I think; bit of Macbeth and King Lear. i.e. I'm acknowledging my sources!!!!!


	3. Kazuki gets bitten

**III**

Kazuki, like all girls, did not like insects. However, given his tender luscious skin and cherry sweet blood, insects, like many men, liked Kazuki very much. As with all unrequited amorous misadventures, such a one-sided relationship generally ended with lasting pain and a nasty sting.

Take for example the lesbian mosquito which was sucking at Kazuki yesterday: it died; shredded apart by an irritated Kazuki and pounded to smithereens by a vengeful Jubei – extravagant passions are of course characteristic of this love-thing.

Jubei's violent reaction had been typical. He had always defended his master with admirable zeal, especially – it must be said – whenever Kazuki found himself the unwary victim of bloodlust. He had always done so, ever since those Fuchoin days…

…A young Kazuki, sprightly and gay, was capering along the verdant expanse of the Fuchoin fields. Jubei was keeping up beside him, watchful, urging his master to be careful and readying himself for swift first-aid care lest Kazuki tripped over a few blades of grass and cracked his fragile skull. They came to a lightly singing stream and Kazuki hopped into the shallows, frolicking with girlish delight in the clear water. Unbeknownst to the innocent boy in the pink kimono, lustful eyes were watching his creamy water-dappled skin. (They did not belong to Jubei – he was only twelve.) The lustful gaze was from the lustful eyes of a lustful bee, which, lust-smitten, buzzed straight into Kazuki and pierced him hard – Kazuki gasped and the excited droning petered out into a low humming sigh as the bee ejaculated itself from the soft flesh, leaving its sting behind and rolling off onto the grass, dead.

"Kazuki!" Jubei cried, a little belatedly as his mind sought to grasp what had happened.

Kazuki, who was holding the side of his right arm where the bee had stung him, lifted his face to meet Jubei's own. Shivering eyes curtained with dark lashes gazed with innocent childish pain at Jubei, who, still in somewhat of a daze, could only reach out to hold his master by the shoulders.

"It hurts…" Kazuki explained, voice fluttering like a melancholy note struck on a Koto string. Jubei felt his heart quiver in response but steadied himself, determined to remain calm and collected – he _had_ to protect Kazuki and turning all wobbly and wussy like his master would not help at all. Kazuki was virtually invulnerable – now was the time to show his master that he, Kakei Jubei of the Kakei clan, was _strong_ and _reliable_ – a most worthy protector of this darling jewel of the Fuchoin clan. An expression of solemn resolution had crept across his features, drawing his eyebrows to a tight centre above the stoic ridge of his nose. Kazuki rather liked this look of firm serious solicitude on Jubei, and told him so.

"Kazuki, do not distract me," Jubei replied with the unswerving single-mindedness of a mindless samurai._ This _was unexpected – Kazuki, being frightfully intelligent even at the age of ten, had always known how to illicit an embarrassed blush or an adorable stutter from Jubei whenever he wanted to, which was rather often for reasons he would never admit to (he was frightfully precocious, even at ten). Nonetheless he remained largely unfazed, for he rather enjoyed this sense of emasculation, losing his manipulative powers to Jubei who now held him and scrutinised his injury with close concern, indifferent to all attempts at _distraction _– ha! _distraction_ – that was the very word he had used – _"Kazuki, do not distract me," _he had said – and Kazuki smiled silently to himself at his protector's sweet innocence. _Seduction_ might have been a better word, thought Kazuki, who, at ten, was better at words and rather precocious…

"Kazuki, are you ready?"

"Huh? What?" Thus jerked back from his thoughts Kazuki betrayed a moment of mindlessness that was more characteristic of Jubei. Quick glances at the needles in Jubei's hand convinced him that Jubei had decided acupuncture was the best way to heal the sting.

Just in case his master wasn't smart enough figure it out for himself, Jubei began to explain what he was about to do:

"I'm going to pierce you." "It'll hurt a little," he quickly added, misinterpreting the barely perceptible smile flitting across Kazuki's face as a sign of incipient hysteria, "but I assure you you'll feel much better afterwards."

Kazuki nodded, watching his protector as he gently broke through his tender luscious skin with a luminescent needle. His eyes widened as the swelling eased immediately, leaving not a single blemish behind. Jubei smoothed a tentative finger cautiously, as if afraid, across the side of Kazuki's arm to check if it was completely healed.

"Jubei," Kazuki giggled, "you're very sweet."

Now that his healing job was done, Jubei _did _blush.

"I think real strength lies in healing, not killing." And after a moment's hesitation, "I think you're the strongest man in the world!"

Jubei was now _really _embarrassed. He suddenly found himself like a cumbersome monkey with a couple of limbs too many – one vaguely circling arm finally decided to settle vaguely on his head where it started to scratch vaguely at his sun-browned hair – "Kazuki, don't be teasing," he managed to stutter.

Kazuki giggled and Jubei laughed, dumbfounded, in response, not knowing what was so funny, not knowing his master was laughing _at _him, but delighted all the same by his master's blithe joy.

But there was business yet to be done. That was settled quickly enough: Jubei pulverised the already dead bee to smithereens with his flying needles.

"Jubei?! Are you alright?" Kazuki was genuinely astonished.

Jubei was, in fact, slightly out of his mind with emotions he did not quite understand himself.

"Why did you do that for? It's just a silly old bee…"

"Kazuki," Jubei started, his boyish countenance was suddenly swept overcast. He turned his head away from Kazuki to face a patch of grass about half a metre from his feet. "It bit you."

"Stung," Kazuki corrected. "Bees sting, mosquitoes bite – suck actually – to be more precise."

"Kazuki, it's the same."

"No it's not."

"You don't understand."

As a matter of fact, Kazuki did not. Jubei's brain did work in rather atypical ways…

"Why did you do that for? It was already dead."

"But Kazuki…"

The younger boy nodded slightly, encouraging Jubei's labouring brain cells to speed up.

"Kazuki…I was angry…"

This was not entirely accurate – Jubei was more precisely _jealous_ – jealous that his smooth-skinned sweet-blooded Kazuki had been thus…_infiltrated_ by some perverted old bee. Jubei, however, was unaware of the true nature of his feelings. One of course cannot expect a twelve year old boy with a heart bigger than his brain to know as much as this omniscient third-person narrator.

"But why were you angry?" Kazuki persisted.

"Because you were bitten."

"So?"

"_So? _So it means I was angry."

"But why were you angry?" came the inevitable question yet again.

Jubei, clearly impatient with his master's inability to understand such a simple concept, finally, and indignantly, huffed, "Because I was angry!"

…

"You were angry…because you were angry…?"

"Yes I was angry," Jubei replied firmly, folding his arms across his chest with deliberate resoluteness, refusing to look at his silly unthinking master.

"But Jubei! That's _totally _tautological!" And Kazuki did that bimbotic swerving-head-thing.

Jubei wasn't sure what his master was talking about, which meant that Kazuki must be being all logical again. He wasn't very pleased with this and hence chided, "No Kazuki, you're being all _rational_."

Kazuki blinked, momentarily stunned.

"Jubei!" he laughed, "And you're being _irrational,_ which is really a bad thing. Do you understand what I'm saying? _Irrational_??" Apparently Jubei did not and Kazuki hence continued, "Like _stupid?? _Like…eurgh! What I'm saying is that you are not being logical. Do you get what I mean?"

"Kazuki…you say such pretty things."

"Pretty things?!! Jubei! I do not say pretty things – I say _logical_ _sensible _things!"

"Kazuki," returned Jubei with a mesmerised look on his face. "I like the way your mouth moves – your lips make pretty shapes."

Clearly, as Kazuki had come to realize, Jubei was not so much impressed with logic than with prettiness. Finally capitulating under the obtuseness of his beloved protector, Kazuki forsook his questions, forsook rationality and logic and tautological arguments, and beamed at Jubei, making the _prettiest _shape with his lips and looking as _pretty_ as he could.

"Kazuki…"

"Yes?" (looking pretty)

"I will protect you forever."


	4. Jubei reads!

**IV**

"Jubei! You're reading!" Kazuki cried in astonishment.

"Yes Kazuki," replied the adorable meat loaf in a scholarly tone. "I am determined to improve my mind through _extensive _reading, so that I may better serve you." And Jubei beamed, evidently pleased with himself, though Kazuki felt that books on Jubei was as much a no-go as the moss green shirt he was wearing to match his moss blue pants. In fact, the bundle of paper seemed exceedingly frail in his large cumbersome palms that Kazuki had to suppress a desire to shred the book (to relieve it of its misery) and order Jubei to toil in the fields, go hunting, roll in the mud, or engage in some other more physical activity with which he would be compatible.

"Well, what is it that you're reading?" asked Kazuki, determined to be encouraging.

"Harry Potter."

"Oh," exclaimed Kazuki, who rather liked the books himself – there were plenty of cute characters after all: Harry was tantalizing with angst and Kazuki often entertained fantasies of soothing his fiery heart with a few gentle caresses (nothing more); Ron tended to be a bit peevish at times, something Kazuki fancied he could cure with some tender loving care; Draco had sleek blonde hair; Sirius had dark sexy locks; Severus had darker sexier locks – and perhaps a few performance enhancing potions too; and Lupin, oooh, gets quite turned on by the full moon – a salivating howling animal apparently…And, though Kazuki would never admit it, he did find the silky Dumbledore rather attractive. In fact, the only characters whom he detested were Hermione, who stole Ron, Ginny, who stole Harry, Tonks, who stole Lupin, Lily, who stole Severus, and basically every other girl in the series who was not more than half a century old.

"Jubei, who is your favourite character?" Kazuki asked with a sweet smile which signaled to his protector to be wary. Guessing that Kazuki probably would not like his holding any other girl in high estimation, Jubei responded, not without a little trepidation –

"Dobby."

… …

"Dobby?" Kazuki asked in a tone teetering between relief and disdain. "As in the house elf Dobby?"

"Yes Kazuki, Dobby the house elf."

"But Jubei!" came the characteristically Kazuki-esque protest. "Why? – how could you – anyone – possibly like that foul ugly grimy creepy Dobby-thing?"

"Kazuki we should not be superficial," answered Jubei in a tone of solemnity. He was, however, intercepted by Kazuki all the same –

"I'm not being superficial! I'm not talking about the pieces of rag he attempts to pass off as clothes – very unsuccessfully, in my opinion – nor about his dirty second-hand – foot – socks." He paused a moment to tilt his head in appreciation of his cleverness – second-foot socks! – and continued, "I am looking _beyond _his attire, but he proves himself to be foul and dirty nonetheless. Like grey skin, over-large nose, pointy ears." He began demonstrating such physical misfortune with his hands, thinking Jubei may miss the point – ha! there – another pun, thought Kazuki as his hands proceeded to the ears.

Jubei persevered.

"One must not judge a book by its cover," he continued with an aspect of self-content at having used one of those clichés he had picked up from his _extensive reading._

Kazuki raised an eyebrow.

"Dobby is loyal and would do anything to protect his master. He punishes himself when he fails to perform his duties."

"Just like you," Kazuki observed.

A slight colour rose to Jubei's cheeks as he, mistaking Kazuki's comment for a compliment, bashfully responded, "Kazuki, you tease me. I do not deserve such praise. Dobby inspires me with his faithfulness and is my role-model. I am merely _emulous_ of him Kazuki, and was whipping myself yesterday for being so slow in the head as to try your patience so often. Though I was howling in pain I never stopped for I was thinking of you all the time."

Presently Kazuki formed an image of a howling Jubei whipping himself out of love for him and, in a fleeting moment, decided that reading was not that bad for Jubei after all.

"Jubei, I don't believe you," said the cunning Kazuki. "You have never shown yourself capable of such loyalty. You are not half the elf that he is."

"Kazuki that's not true!"

"Then you have to show it to me," cried Kazuki, unafraid that his undisguised excitement might be considered intemperate. "Go whip yourself in front of me!"

Now Jubei most certainly would not disobey such a peremptory demand from his master; however, as he began to get his whip he decided that he _had _to inform his master of his reluctance to perform the said task

"Kazuki," he began, and shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "I have to remove my pants first for otherwise they would tear…"

This failed to discourage his master evidently, on whose countenance swept by a mischievous grin and whose eyes shone with lascivious excitement. "It's _perfectly _fine Jubei. I assure you I do not mind at all.'

"But Kazuki," Jubei hesitated with eyes fixed on the ground. "I'm shy." And, as evidence of this, a cupcake pink spread across his features and deepened into a glowing shade of crimson at the tip of his ears.

How adorable, thought Kazuki, that this broad-shouldered firm-chested man should blush like one of those anime girls in their fanning mini-skirts.

"Oh Jubei, don't be shy," cooed Kazuki, whose voice settled into a husky alto laden with warm honeyed undertones. He resisted stroking his cheek, however, not wanting to seem too predatory – in fact, as he suddenly realized, all this remove-your-pants-in-front-of-me demands were turning their relationship upside down. Kazuki _was _the _uke_ after all wasn't he? – he was the pretty boy who played the, well, the one who lies beneath. He could not be too eager now could he? If he persisted, would he not become the pretty _uke_ who played the "girl" who was playing the _seme_ taking the pretty _seme-_turned-_uke_? – Now _that _would be too perverse even by Kazuki's standards and he hence resolved to desist.

"Really Kazuki? You are letting me go?" Jubei was in disbelief.

"NO Jubei! You're being silly despite the _extensive_ reading. See, this is how it works: I no longer command you to whip yourself in front of me, but I _am _commanding you to whip yourself in front of me _without my commands._ I am merely _encouraging _you." And Kazuki leant forward to stroke a side of his loyal protector's tan pink cheeks, causing them to redden with renewed intensity.

"K-Kazuki," stammered Jubei, eyes gleaming. He could feel the fleshly dryness within his throat, lodged like a tight ball of thread, so he felt. And there was the pulsating blood and saliva tucked around his Adam's apple, threatening to expose his embarrassment, his fear, his forbidden yearnings – was it lust? – but it could not be – Kazuki was his master, and male…yet he longed to draw him close, right now, and pull that shimmering teasing face of soft porcelain into the depth of his chest, and keep him there, safely moored – tenderly – there, like a chrysalis in peace – the two of them – hanging high, impenetrable to pain, sorrow, mosquito bites, and misunderstandings – safely, tenderly, there within his arms…But there was the shame too, he thought as he swallowed, and his Adam's apple crawled upward and then downward visibly; audibly; excruciatingly; exposing his desires and his fears, so he thought, and collapsing his ardent longing into nothing but that dumb sensation of shame mingled with the fatal sadness of impossible love.

Yes, these were the thoughts that went through Jubei's mind as he watched the alternately pouting, cooing, and titillating Kazuki, though he had not the words to express them.

"K-Kazuki," he stammered yet again. "I can't…"

"You can't?!! Oh no, Jubei, you have defied me. Now you must punish yourself like Dobby does. Hurry – remove your pants and whip yourself! Oh do hurry! I can hardly contain myself with excitement!"

"No Kazuki. I _can't_! You don't understand! You don't understand anything – _you never do_!"

… …

Kazuki was struck silent. There in front of him, stood Jubei heaving with anger and – was that sadness? – his earlier words had peaked at an emotional ferocity which, in its faintly nasal tone, registered unprecedented anguish. Jubei glared determinedly at the shifting dust on the ground for a few moments before raising his head to apologise –

"I'm sorry, Kazuki…"

So the apology did come after all – inevitably, Kazuki mused, and sighed lightly. But he needed to know; he could not just shrug off the issue with queenly indifference yet again, or, as he was wont to do, hide behind the heartless shield of another _bon mot._ Jubei _was _hurt and…disappointed – disappointed with him – but for what exactly? He had been demanding, but that had always been the case – Jubei would not be disappointed with him for a mere trifle – and, thinking this, Kazuki only felt remorse deepening – he had, it seemed, done something sufficiently hurtful.

"Jubei…What happened?"

"Nothing," he answered hastily – guiltily even – and then repeated, "nothing," voice dissolving irresolutely in an interrupted cadence.

"Jubei…"

"Kazuki…It's not your fault – really. I'm just confused. I'm confused." And, thinking suddenly how he wanted to ease the furrows on his master's sorrowing brow, he added angrily, "I'm always confused!" – as if to shake off his unrelenting thoughts – but they came again – Kazuki was male, the sole Fuchion heir, the last descendent, he could not be this selfish –

"I'm not a worthy protector!" And there he ended, commanding his writhing heart to be at peace with the sheer force of his words.

"Jubei…that's not true. That's not true at all!" Kazuki cried, voice aching. "Jubei please don't be sad. I'm sorry – I'm sorry for hurting you but, you must tell me – why? I mean what, what happened? You're right: I _don't _understand anything. But that's because you never tell me anything you just…I don't know…the way you look – sometimes – and, but you never say anything…I…I've always thought…you – I mean – well, now I know – it has always been just me…and my commands – I – there were no other motivations besides for all those things you've done for – nothing but the duty appropriate of a protector – I'm sorry Jubei but you must – _must_ forgive me I cannot stand it if…I'll free you of your charge as protector – don't worry you'll never have to listen to crazy me anymo– cause it's unfair I –"

And his voice failed – snapped painfully like a Koto string. But Jubei caught him by his delicate shoulders and enclosed him with firm comforting arms reaching round impetuously like a gush of words to heal and to reassure.

"Kazuki, I _want _to protect you forever – I want…"

"Jubei –"

"Shh…Kazuki, I want to have magic too, like in Harry Potter so…so I can…"

"Jubei?"

"Kazuki do you know what I want to do?"

"Jubei…"

"Kazuki…I want to kiss you."


	5. The Zit

"Ack! I'm officially the ugliest thing in the world!"

Jubei was having a difficult time ascertaining the veracity of this sudden declamation however, given that its source was currently hidden behind two outspread palms – Kazuki was not about to reveal his face to his lover!

"Kazuki??" Jubei queried, his dark little eyes blinking insensately into a pair of large brown ones peeking apprehensively through several long slender fingers. But despite all his putative silliness Jubei has always been the ultimate genius in Kazuki-lore. He sensed now, as he had sensed many times before, that his master required reassurance, and hence he assured, with the full irrefragable authority of an imperial samurai – "Kazuki, you are not ugly!"

Years and years of loyal servitude and servile fidelity to his master and all of his unfathomable eccentricities – the inexplicable caprices and needs and cravings and yearnings – were insufficient to prepare him for the deluge of tears that presently erupted from the disembodied pair of eyes and coursed through the shivering hollows between Kazuki's fingers.

"Ka-Ka-zuki??!!" Jubei stammered. "I don't understand."

"Jubei! Oh Jubei!"

"Kazuki!!" he echoed, heart full and frightened.

"Jubei!"

"Kazuki!" Jubei could not stop himself. He responded to his master's very uncharacteristically inchoate cries of despair with a primal empathy, and cried in return with equal passion and greater volume, stirred by Kazuki's pain into an animalistic fury of passions – "Kazuki! Kazuki!! KAZUKI!!!!!" – and, experiencing an atavistic heroic need to vindicate his love with action, he grabbed onto his master's frail frame by the shoulders and shook him till he was nearly a tenth as silly as he was.

Kazuki evidently did not enjoy being _man_handled – not in this way at least – for he endeavoured to arrest the furious maelstrom of emotions currently let loose inside of his lover, first by appealing to reason – "Jubei, you're going overboard – your emotions are wrought disproportionate to the level of suffering the present situation warrants," which would scarce have worked anyway even if Jubei had managed to hear him through his own howls; next by sheer verbal hectoring – "Jubei! Stop this right now!! Jubei!!" which proved to be more disastrous than the first attempt, inciting, at every cry of "Jubei!", a corresponding "KAZUKI!!", magnified in volume and passion; and finally, and most efficaciously, with an old-fashioned slap across the face.

Men tend to respond to violence better than reason. Larger hands, smaller brains, so Kazuki thought, conveniently excluding and excusing himself from the ranks of Men and their concomitant idiosyncrasies.

But the slap did work –

"Kazuki??" Jubei queried once more, and observed, "You've stopped crying!"

"Yes I have. I was distracted by your madness. You should calm down you know…"

"Kazuki!!!"

Kazuki frowned, for he disliked being interrupted. But before he could protest against this instance of sedition, Jubei cut in yet again –

"Kazuki! You have a pimple!!" –

At which Kazuki screamed, and Jubei howled in response, characteristically, for such were the natural results of couples whose hearts and minds have become dovetailed to one another's.

Yes Kazuki had a pimple, located in the juicy midlands of his left cheek – a white tipped Mount Fuji viewed from space, surrounded by the rosy lava of inflammation at the foot of the mountain; and a softer pink hue against the fresh snow of his skin, suffusing into the distance. How horrendous! How awful! Preoccupied with returning Jubei to sanity he had forgotten to retract his hands to cover his face after the unhappy slap – there was nothing to hide that atrocity of nature now broiling away on his cheek like an angry volcano!

"Jubei! It's all your fault!!" cried Kazuki and promptly burst into tears again, saddened that the full extent of his hideousness – for hideousness it was; THE PIMPLE!! – was now exposed to his loyal lover.

Jubei was struck with irrational guilt now – an old habit he had not quite outgrown: he had failed! how could he protect Kazuki when he could even stop little acne bacteria from colonizing his lover's face? It was ALL his fault!!

"Kazuki! I'm sorry…"

"No Jubei! It's useless! I'm ugly, and now you're going to find yourself some pretty girl and abandon me!"

"Kazuki…"

"No don't say anything."

"But Kazuki...I…"

"NO JUBEI!

"Kazuki!"

"YOU BOOB-LOVING MONSTER!!!"

The attendant stress of teenage acne, something Kazuki had never had to experience, was now assaulting his mind still virginal to the notions of insecurity, helplessness and dejection that were so prevalent in the rest of womankind.

But Jubei knew that it was not true! – Kazuki was preternaturally beautiful even with his pink pimple; he was not going to leave him; he would never do so; and he was most certainly not a boob-loving monster!

Struck with a sudden burst of inspiration, Jubei recalled a passage he had encountered in his extensive reading, in some book or other entitled "Sweet Sixteen" – or something like that. He had the image clearly in his mind now, just as he had when he was reading it: he was holding on to his beloved, and he whispered softly into his ear, which was curtained by a soft perfumed fall of hair that he parted tenderly with moist loving lips – "I love you truly for who you are – I love you – your soul – not for your looks – believe me for that is the truth – I love you Jane!"

"JAANNEE!!!" shrieked Kazuki, at some pitch beyond even the range of his Koto. "JUUUBEIII!!! WHHAAAT IS JANE!!???"

"…Ka-Ka-zuki."

"YES??!!"

"oops"

"OOPS??!! JUBEI! You get yourself a Jane and all you can say is 'oops'??!!"

Sensing that all his new gained knowledge derived from his reading was as yet insufficient to quell his master's anger, Jubei immediately sought external help. He retrieved his unfortunate book – "Sweet Sixteen" – and held it up to a very puzzled Kazuki and flipped to page 113:

"_The moon was silver in the night sky. John held on to the delicate shoulders of his beloved, and whispered softly into her ear, which was curtained by a soft perfumed fall of hair that he parted with moist loving lips…"_

Kazuki could only stare in wide-eyed disbelief at his protector.

"Kazuki, I just wanted you to be happy…but I did not know what to say…I've always wanted to do something for you…but you've never really needed any help, ever since those Fuchoin days – even when you were left all alone you were always able to handle everything by yourself…

"But Kazuki. Let me help you with this." – and Jubei leaned forward, and with his two healing needles, miraculously levelled Mount Fuji. As Jubei withdrew, Kazuki felt his face tentatively with his fingers.

"Jubei!" Kazuki gasped, his heart aflutter.

"Kazuki!" Jubei ejaculated in response.

"I love you. Heee"


End file.
